My tour with VIOLENT J + LIL EAZY E was the best!!!!!!

Growing up was hard for me. At 14 I had just got back to Canada from Jamaica, was completely traumatized from my experiences there with my family dismantling, and being bullied pretty badly in school for being the only white person some of my peers had ever seen. Picture me, same height and weight as I am now, hair bleached from the sun, so dark I looked mixed, wearing weird clothes and speaking with a jamaican accent. I didn't fit in with anyone. I found myself a team of rejects. We had each other. We didn't need anybody else.

One of my friends, Jesse, told me he was a juggalo. I had no idea what that meant so he sent me home with 'The Great Milenko'. It was everything to me. I spent hours crafting fanpages. We dissected the lyrics in class. I bought an ICP t-shirt to go with my Slipknot hoodie.

Life happened after that. Drugs. Grouphomes. Fistfights. Heartbreak. I drifted away from listening to music and into my own notebooks. My rap career started in a smoky car full of boys with pockets full of drugs and money... By 16 I knew this is what i'd be doing with my life. In a way, rap saved me. When things got to be too much (and that happened a lot) I could retreat into my notebooks.

Fast forward. 27 years old. Feeling pretty ruined and empty from the music industry and I get a call about going on tour with Violent J. It felt so weird and out of pocket for me at first. Like. Really? I hadn't been regarded as a rapper for what felt like a very long time. J and I got on the phone at one point, for about 30 minutes. He said "Be a juggalo, you could be the queen." I recoiled and told him "We'll see how tour goes." I imagine he took it personally but I just couldn't bring myself to commit to rap. Loving rap had hurt me. I told him that rap felt like a hobby at this point and that I was super depressed just in general. He told me to listen to Lost + Found but I didn't know what music could give to me after everything it had taken away. I half listened then played guitar in my bedroom until 3am trying to figure out what to feel.

The first show was hard. I was terrified that you wouldn't think I was good enough, that you wouldn't like me.… but the second I put my foot on the stage with a mic in my hand i felt it all melt away. I felt like I was home. That night, hearing Violent J perform songs that had at one point meant so much to me, helped me reconnect to that 14 year old girl. It made me look at my journey, and everything I'd been through to get where I was. For the first time in a long time it made me believe in myself. You guys showed me so much love. Thank you. You have lit something inside of me that was on the verge of being extinguished completely.

I had a friend from Seattle drive out to tattoo the word 'HERE' on my arm, in hopes that I never forget where I am. I was lost, but now I'm found.

Thank you to Violent J, Bill, Rob, Matt & everyone at psychopathic for giving me this experience.

I love you all.